A Little Support

The most contagious was her smile. I'm not sure I know what she looks like not smiling.

The last time I saw her was at Jen's wedding. The time previous was at Jen's bridal shower. The was also the last time I spoke to her. I didn't think she would remember me. I think it has been 20 years since the time before that. But to me, she looked exactly the same as she did 20 years before. Just as youthful. And of course, smiley.  But she had said to me in chinese, in the midst of all the chaos of a bridal shower... "You probably don't remember me, but I remember you." I was probably only 13 years old when she last saw me. I told her, of course I remember you.

Oh, I remember. I remember her coming to our elementary school afterschool everyday. She came to pick up her grandkids. One of them, of course, was my best friend, Jen. She was pushing Jen's baby cousin in a stroller. (She's now in university if I'm correct...). I remember running up to the baby along with Jen, and we would both try and make her say the word, "cookie". "C'mon! Say cookie!." And when she did, we would "aww" at her and say how cute she was.

I also remember her house. It could have been a kiddie birthday party. Or were we just being babysat? That I cannot remember. But I do remember the stairs that lead upstairs to the living room and kitchen. I remember downstairs too. I remember the layout of her house. Oh, I remember.

And so... today, at her memorial service, I chose to go and remember.

I also just wanted to be there. For Jen. For her family. For her. And for myself.

I wasn't so sure I would be okay. I just haven't been to a service for over a decade. Now that I'm older and I understand more, how would I cope? But all I knew was that I wanted to be there.

The service was packed. I could see Jen from afar. I wasn't expecting to talk to her or even see her. I sat near the back in a beautiful service room filled with flowers. I felt completely calm and peaceful. There were stories shared and supportive words given. It was emotional.

We said our farewells and I gave the family hugs. I've known them for so, so, so long. There will always be a sense of closeness no matter how often or not often we see each other or talk.  And for the 20+ years that I have, I've never hugged them. We've been to so many of the same birthdays and weddings and celebrations, and now ... a funeral... as sad as it was, I also felt really, really happy. To know that I have these people in my life. To know all the memories that we share. To know that we will be there for each other and support each other through all the good and bad times. No matter how much or how little you get to know a person, they could still touch you in the smallest ways. The service was beautiful.

I looked over at my cousin when we were leaving and said, "Hey, thanks for coming with me."

"No problem," she said while she rubbed my back. We're usually joking and laughing, which makes this so not us.

From time to time though, we all need a little support.