I just got home from a couple wondrous days at a beautiful resort soaking up the warm sun in the gorgeous vineyards of the okanagans.
Before that, I worked a very short two day work week. I had let out a huge sigh at work that I didn't realize that I had. I was on the phone with my aunt while I was at work, counselling her on her medication. At the same time I was on the phone, I was typing on the computer, processing a prescription for my mother. One of my coworkers heard my sigh and said "That's a really huge sigh."
"You've got a lot on your plate. Your life doesn't seem like it's yours. And you're too young for that."
I heard what she said but I didn't process it. Not then anyway.
I'm not really sure what I said or shown that warranted that kind of comment. Don't get me wrong, I'm not offended. Nor do I agree or disagree. I'll be honest that I've been pretty glum lately. One thing that I think a lot of us don't do enough is to say when we're glum why we're glum. C'mon, let's be true... we all have our bad days. Sometimes, they come unexplained. But it's when we're truthful that we can really be... human.
So, yah. I've been glum. From a whole lot of things. From my leg not getting better. From seeing my mom struggle to find herself again. From seeing my dad stress over her. From seeing people getting married and having kids and seeing how blissful they all are, and wondering why I can't even have a small fraction of it (like being able to walk or ride a bike would do). From hearing about people being sick or people dying. From feeling so helpless.
It could be worse. Acceptance will get me through. And I shouldn't really be glum.
But I am.
I want my heart to be still. I'm guarding it with all that I've got. I'm not sure I can handle another heart break. I need to sweep the pieces back together.
But, in the okanagans, the skies were blue. I'll be sure to change the tone for the next post.